the fucked up thing is that i’ve been in this exact situation and actually felt some measure of beauty in the world. but only when the streets are empty and the area descends into a time of day when it clearly was not meant to functionally exist. there is a wretched beauty in walking around one of these suburban sprawl commerce zones at night or close to dawn, sitting down at a table like this and basking in the sensation that you own the place. maybe this is an inherited derangement from living most of my life in the midwest suburbs, working late night shifts at a grocery store on a corner exactly like this one. maybe it’s just the only time of day in a place like this when you can be truly alone outside
i want a game that uses disco elysium’s same insanely well crafted narrative system and wonderful writing…. but it’s about a 6 year old named calvin and his stuffed tiger hobbes
PERCEPTION[SOUND]-The “WAP! WAP! WAP!” of hammer onto nail is consistent. You weild the tool with skill and precision.
HALF LIGHT- Oh, yeah! Destruction incarnate!
MOM- “Calvin!” She yells, dashing to stop you. “What are you doing to the coffee table?!”
YOU- You look at your handiwork. A dozen crooked and bent nails stick out at different angles in the wood. It feels pretty obvious as to what you’re doing.
LOGIC[Trivial:Failure]- Is this some kind of trick question, or what?
like, I know you’re doing the bit, and I want to just do the bit back, but now I’m thinking again about how we used to be able to choose different avatar images for different posts on LJ, and you got like 15 by default but you could pay a small amount to get 100 instead, and you could pick an avatar that matched the mood of your post or the character you were RPing or whatever
and I both miss that and am suddenly kinda wondering if that’s not why I love having my own emotes now is I got too used to being able to tone indicate my entire paragraph with the facial expressions of Naruto characters.
Anyway yeah, no one who uses Twitter as their ideal platform would have survived 2 days on LJ in 2007, and not in a they’d be eaten alive way, they just would be too confused by why there’s so many words and why people block them if they make rude replies.
fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says “actually works” does actually work.
hate exercising and realizing i’ve let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i’ve overturned my fight-or-flight response.
hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i’m less anxious and i have more energy
hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i’ve actually started healing about something once i’m able to externalize it
hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently
hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love
horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i’m gonna do it tho
